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So this is officially moribund. I'm on facebook occasionally.

What am I here for?

Seriously. What am I supposed to being doing in this life? What do I even like doing? What do I ever do that has merit?

I feel like being myself isn't enough. I am an openly transgender person. I challenge people's assumptions about what gender is and could be; and about what relationships can be. Polyamory. Honest. Sexless. Committed.

I am also a good listener. If you can get me to talk to you at all. Getting me out of the house can be hard.

I'm a bit of a hoarder and I think that has merit. I'm saving things and gathering them together. This may or may not serve a future archival purpose.

Support Cathy in her work. And life.

Be a good cat daddy.

Influence future generations by being a friend to a lot of kids.

Basic problem is none of this is good enough to me. I feel like I ought to be doing more. Contribute to society.

But basically, I don't wanna.

It seems like too much trouble to move out of my present inertia.

I think I could be a positive influence to trans youth if I could interact with them more.


Calvin and Hobbes was published from 1985 to 1995. A significantly different time than today although I can hardly wrap my head around that. Calvin never plays a video game. He watches tv, but usually his mom throws him out of the house and makes him play outside. He has woods to play in with lots of trees and a stream. He has a tree house. He's not a poor kid. The three of them, four if you count Hobbes, live in a pretty nice little house on a fairly big lot. There must be other houses nearby, because I seem to recall Calvin releasing the parking brake on the car and sending it across the street into the neighbor's driveway...but maybe not? Maybe it was just a ditch across the street? Susie Derkins lives nearby because they get the school bus together.

I'm struck by how different childhood seems to be now. It's hard to imagine any of the children I know playing happily by themselves outside or inside without a screen of some kind. I meet kids who are very afraid of getting a little scrape or of bugs. Things that were routine when I was a kid. I mean you had to get a serious cut to bother stopping playing. Or get stung by a hornet.
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Christmas

So we have a family we can go see for Christmas Eve finally. This past year we've become really good friends with our downstairs neighbors. And they have an 8 year-old. I think children are necessary to really make Christmas fun.

We were really broke so we hardly got any presents this year. Not that that's what's important. I don't think we'll even notice the difference much.

I slept a lot today and then watched streaming episodes of Lost on netflix for a while.

At least I'm reading "1984." I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to it. Thought Police, Big Brother, War is Peace. All these concepts are already in my head like the book has completely oozed out into the cultural goo we live in. Oozmosis.

Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin

The writing is on the wall. I have been weighed and found wanting.

My psychiatrist and my therapist are making a major push for me to get off disability because they think I can do better.

I think I can do better too. In a way. But I'm so scared and I have such bad anxiety and panic attacks. I don't quite believe that I can do anything.

There are lots of options. But since my goal is to find meaningful work instead of tolerable drudgery, the best options are trying to work with gay and trans kids at Boston Glass or The Home for Little Wanderers. Or Bagly.

The other possibilities are Network La Red, Good Vibrations, work in a book store again, work in some other kind of retail, etc.

I need to start small, like volunteering or extremely part-time work at something.

I can't put this off forever.

Books

I have a ridiculous number of books. I'm not exactly a packrat, but I definitely have packrat-ish tendencies. I think if I read only the ones in the house for the rest of my life I wouldn't run out before I die. So I try to avoid bookstores, which is easy right now because I'm broke. And it's winter and I'm depressed so it's easy not to even leave the house at all. And when you don't leave the house you don't spend money. Unless you shop online which I almost never do.
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Took my effexor

Feeling a tiny bit better.

I got Jay-Z's "Decoded" for my birthday. It seems pretty amazing, but I'm still a little too out of it to read much of it. Kinda too bad it didn't come with a disk.

I wish I had a lover.

Worst fucking birthday

Feel so sick. Watched a lot of Lost. Roof is leaking. Raining like crazy out. Life is just stupid. Wonder how long it will take to get back to feeling decent when I get my damn effexor tomorrow? Try to sllep it off. Feel like I've been hit in the head with a board.

Effexorless birthday tomorrow

Slept all day. Feel like crap. Did take my testosterone last night though. My pharmacy is only open on weekdays. I'll bet there's some way I could call the doc and get it refilled somewhere else even on Sunday, but I'll probably just gut it out til Monday.

Effexor has weird side effects when you don't take it. Brain zaps or crunches. Funny feeling in the head, very annoying. Hasn't started yet.

I hope I can sleep some tonight so I can do things for my birthday tomorrow.

I might get some shoes. Maybe I'll have a cupcake.

I can't believe I'm 45. Hell I still can't believe I'm 40.

Another day

Today I read my book in Pavement. Sol Yurick's "The Bag." Had a corn muffin and a chai latte.
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