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Hello Livejournal
Is there an echo in here? This place is dead. It's funny how places on the internet stop being popular but all the stuff is still out there sonewhere. I did a lot of journaling here like 15 years ago.

I don't think anyone who sees this, if anyone sees this, actually knows me, but just in case you do, I will recap some.

So, uh, I met someone. Now I need a new nickname for her, because I never use anyone's real name on here... Beryl. We'll call her Beryl. A friend of my wife's she was. They met at anti-racist training for white people. I met this Beryl and fell in love with her immediately and my marriage disintegrated right before our eyes.

I met Beryl on May 3rd, 2014, and on July 18th, I think, I told my wife I didn't want to be married to her anymore.

Some context. We hadn't been having sex, really almost ever because my wife had some issues and she didn't want to work on them. And we had been calling ourselves polyamorous for 8 or 9 years by this point, which really just meant I went out and saw other people. For sex, but not just for sex, because I'm not the kind of person who likes to sleep with people unless I love them.

Anyway, that was all just a preamble. The real reason I'm here is that I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and doing the twelve steps and it's kicking my ass and I need someplace to talk about my addictions and to learn better coping skills.

My first addiction has always been love. I never understood that it wasn't healthy before. But I use love to escape from my pain. And when the love isn't effective anymore, I have to find someone new to keep the pain at bay. And I don't want to do this to my wife now, as I have done it to everyone before. I am getting better. The polyamory thing, the honesty. I never had to lie to my ex-wife and she knew what happened as soon as I did, but still. The way I fall in love isn't normal I think.

When I waas young I used to be obsessed with people I couldn't have, until I found someone I could have. After about 4 or 5 years I fell in love with someone else. Then I won back my ex-girlfriend again and fell in love with someone else again in another five years. Yeah I was a real shit to people then. I'm trying to stop, but it's hard because I guess I don't know how to live with the pain I feel.

So my other addiction is video games. They have always been there for me. I used to steal money out of my mother's purse and go play video games at the corner store or the pizza place. Started with Space Invaders so you know how old I am. I'm about to turn 53. Then I played pac-man, ms. pac-man, galaxians, galaga, gorf, donkey kong, donkey kong jr, centipede, qix, tempest, joust, pole position, popeye, q-bert, tetris.
I played all these out of the house, at arcades and in stores and restaurants. They even had video games at the laundromat.

Then came my first home game super mario brothers. That was when I first realized it could be a problem. No running out of quarters, no reason to ever stop playing. I had to quit. My first time. But every so often I'd try another game just to check if I could handle it. The answer was always that I couldn't. I played Myst and Riven. Those at least had ostensible ends, although the new graphics were just too much. I played facebook games for a while. They time out, but if you play more than one, you always have something to do. Farming was one. One was record collecting. Oh and I played Robin Hood a ton on facebook. Even a solitaire game or a word game ...there was oneon my phone. I think it was just called scramble. Well any game like that I can waste 5 hours at a time easily. A better game, fugeddaboutit. So then I got Minecraft. Because that's what the kids I was babysitting were playing. At first I didn't think so much of it. Then I played it on a server for 9 months. Really didn't do much of anything else. Built an underground city. Amazing things I built. Where are they now? One of the mods told me he saved some of my stuff somehow when the server shut done. Citycraft was the server. They had everything on there Hogwart's, The Shire. It was a great place. It remains so in my mind. I used to be up all night building with little kids in Australia. They were sometimes 10. I did that with a fraction of my life. So I quit again. Pokemon Go gave me a scare. I didn't think I could bear not trying it, but somehow I made it through. I never have played.

Another game I really wanted to play was The Warriors. It's one of my favorites movies. I actually like the book better than the movie. Sol Yurick was a great writer. I've even read one of his other books called The Bag.

So now I'm in this program. I got over the snobby can't do this program, recovery, cliched shit attitude that I had for years. The affirmations, the god, the self-help-y talk, all of it. I'm in. If it can give me some relief, some help, I'll take it.

In ACA they're trying to teach us to be our own loving parent to our inner child. My inner child is angry and mean to me, so I really have to develop this loving parent. I mean I have to take care of myself. If I don't eat, my inner child let's me have it about how I'm a shitty parent. If I don't sleep and take my medicine. So first I have to get groceries and feed myself, And shower. Then maybe we can talk.

You do this thing where you ask your inner child a question with your dominant hand and answer with the other hand. It sounds crazy, but it works. I will probably try it here.

I just decided not to pay for livejournal anymore.
lucy doctor is in
So this is officially moribund. I'm on facebook occasionally.

What am I here for?
lucy doctor is in
Seriously. What am I supposed to being doing in this life? What do I even like doing? What do I ever do that has merit?

I feel like being myself isn't enough. I am an openly transgender person. I challenge people's assumptions about what gender is and could be; and about what relationships can be. Polyamory. Honest. Sexless. Committed.

I am also a good listener. If you can get me to talk to you at all. Getting me out of the house can be hard.

I'm a bit of a hoarder and I think that has merit. I'm saving things and gathering them together. This may or may not serve a future archival purpose.

Support Cathy in her work. And life.

Be a good cat daddy.

Influence future generations by being a friend to a lot of kids.

Basic problem is none of this is good enough to me. I feel like I ought to be doing more. Contribute to society.

But basically, I don't wanna.

It seems like too much trouble to move out of my present inertia.

I think I could be a positive influence to trans youth if I could interact with them more.

Some reflections on Calvin and Hobbes and postmodern life.
lucy doctor is in

Calvin and Hobbes was published from 1985 to 1995. A significantly different time than today although I can hardly wrap my head around that. Calvin never plays a video game. He watches tv, but usually his mom throws him out of the house and makes him play outside. He has woods to play in with lots of trees and a stream. He has a tree house. He's not a poor kid. The three of them, four if you count Hobbes, live in a pretty nice little house on a fairly big lot. There must be other houses nearby, because I seem to recall Calvin releasing the parking brake on the car and sending it across the street into the neighbor's driveway...but maybe not? Maybe it was just a ditch across the street? Susie Derkins lives nearby because they get the school bus together.

I'm struck by how different childhood seems to be now. It's hard to imagine any of the children I know playing happily by themselves outside or inside without a screen of some kind. I meet kids who are very afraid of getting a little scrape or of bugs. Things that were routine when I was a kid. I mean you had to get a serious cut to bother stopping playing. Or get stung by a hornet.
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lucy doctor is in
So we have a family we can go see for Christmas Eve finally. This past year we've become really good friends with our downstairs neighbors. And they have an 8 year-old. I think children are necessary to really make Christmas fun.

We were really broke so we hardly got any presents this year. Not that that's what's important. I don't think we'll even notice the difference much.

I slept a lot today and then watched streaming episodes of Lost on netflix for a while.

At least I'm reading "1984." I can't believe it has taken me this long to get to it. Thought Police, Big Brother, War is Peace. All these concepts are already in my head like the book has completely oozed out into the cultural goo we live in. Oozmosis.

Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin
lucy doctor is in
The writing is on the wall. I have been weighed and found wanting.

My psychiatrist and my therapist are making a major push for me to get off disability because they think I can do better.

I think I can do better too. In a way. But I'm so scared and I have such bad anxiety and panic attacks. I don't quite believe that I can do anything.

There are lots of options. But since my goal is to find meaningful work instead of tolerable drudgery, the best options are trying to work with gay and trans kids at Boston Glass or The Home for Little Wanderers. Or Bagly.

The other possibilities are Network La Red, Good Vibrations, work in a book store again, work in some other kind of retail, etc.

I need to start small, like volunteering or extremely part-time work at something.

I can't put this off forever.

lucy doctor is in
I have a ridiculous number of books. I'm not exactly a packrat, but I definitely have packrat-ish tendencies. I think if I read only the ones in the house for the rest of my life I wouldn't run out before I die. So I try to avoid bookstores, which is easy right now because I'm broke. And it's winter and I'm depressed so it's easy not to even leave the house at all. And when you don't leave the house you don't spend money. Unless you shop online which I almost never do.
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Took my effexor
lucy doctor is in
Feeling a tiny bit better.

I got Jay-Z's "Decoded" for my birthday. It seems pretty amazing, but I'm still a little too out of it to read much of it. Kinda too bad it didn't come with a disk.

I wish I had a lover.

Worst fucking birthday
lucy doctor is in
Feel so sick. Watched a lot of Lost. Roof is leaking. Raining like crazy out. Life is just stupid. Wonder how long it will take to get back to feeling decent when I get my damn effexor tomorrow? Try to sllep it off. Feel like I've been hit in the head with a board.

Effexorless birthday tomorrow
lucy doctor is in
Slept all day. Feel like crap. Did take my testosterone last night though. My pharmacy is only open on weekdays. I'll bet there's some way I could call the doc and get it refilled somewhere else even on Sunday, but I'll probably just gut it out til Monday.

Effexor has weird side effects when you don't take it. Brain zaps or crunches. Funny feeling in the head, very annoying. Hasn't started yet.

I hope I can sleep some tonight so I can do things for my birthday tomorrow.

I might get some shoes. Maybe I'll have a cupcake.

I can't believe I'm 45. Hell I still can't believe I'm 40.